How often does it happen that someone comes into the practice and says. „I can’t be angry anymore“? Unfortunately,...
The little baby grabs the chair leg, pulls it up, holds on tightly, looks around proudly, turns clumsily towards the spectators, lets go, takes two or three steps - and falls.
And everybody rolls their eyes, moaning; one says, “You can never do that,“ another mumbled, “What a loser!“ Daddy snaps, ”You failure,“ and mom only snaps, ”Now, mom does not love you anymore.“ That’s how it works when someone learns to walk, right? After all, life is not a pony farm.
Of course it’s nonsense; I do not know anybody who treats their children like that. On the contrary, some tend to overprotect, and then I think, ‘oh, let them fall down; how else can they learn to get up?’ A life without falling is inconceivable to me, and I’m not sure if it would be desirable. But that’s another topic.
The paradox is that so many people deal with themselves this way when it comes to their own shortcomings and mistakes. While they gently and constructively help the little ones through the disappointments and setbacks of life, the reactions to their own mishaps are loveless. It seems as if the pain caused by the hit of the hammer on the thumb is not enough; a bellowed “idiot“ needs to be added to complete it. Admittedly, body and mind are then in harmony. In the negative sense, yes, but ... kind of ... somehow.
At least there is a recognizable reason for this; yes, it’s true that one has hurt oneself. However mostly, we do not need any reason in order to judge everything and preferably ourselves. What you need to work on is internal. Of course no one introduces himself with the words, “Hello, I’m Joe. I’m overweight, socially challenged, unmotivated and simple-minded.“ You keep it to yourself even if that is what you think. It is easier to mirror the outrage produced in the inner monologue and to say something like, “Look, there stands Bill who is fat, lonely, lazy and stupid.“ Isn‘t that funny? Rather not, but it offers the opportunity to gain a status of superiority, even or especially when you are convinced to be a poor devil yourself.
Not to cultivate the inner judge to become an experienced, lawful sage, but to let him judge merciless, with consequences. In the fully trained state, he does not hesitate to mercilessly condemn even the slightest mishap. Everything one does, or does not do, is under the strictest supervision and even evolutionary psychology has, so far, only guesses and speculation about what it may be worth. However, this judge, who rises above others, is not heard by them 90% of the time - only you can witness the permanent criticism, with all its consequences. It resembles a constant stream of negative commercials. Neurology refers to the action of the inner judge as “Default Mode Network.“ This is the standard network of thinking which means nothing else than negativity is standard.
So, if the whole thing is pointless, why not just switch it off? Why this is not a good solution is illustrated by the rare and strange Cotard syndrome, whose salient symptom is the loss of personality. Sufferers are firmly convinced that they have died; they feel inwardly dead as walking corpses, and want nothing more than to adapt their physical condition to the one of the soul. Viewed from the outside as less dramatic, but similarly disturbing, is the loss of personality in the final stages of dementia. Everything that made you who you were in the past is gone. In this case, in fact, it’s an indication that death is not too far away.
Let us assume that we have to live with our Default Mode Network, even though it normally tries to spoil our inner peace. Perhaps the next big challenge for humanity as such, as for each one of us, is learning how to go through life without judgment, which is comparable to the successful effort - after probably countless failed attempts in the savannah - to learn to walk upright. Evolution took many thousands of years; today, a baby can do it in a few months. Is not-sentencing the new walking? Learning how to view rather than assess, how to be curious instead of negative, how to - where did I read that right away? - love thy neighbor as thyself.
Sometimes you have to start with it on a very small scale. For example, one client found herself unspeakably ugly. Although she was an avid swimmer, she never went to the pool because all the boys would start to puke at the sight of her. I beg your pardon?! Yes, she said that literally. She must have been the ugliest person in the world. Oddly, I did not notice that.
Her job was to find something about herself that was not ugly. And indeed, there was something: her ear. Just laugh; it’s always easy to laugh from a distance. But as absurd as her self-image was, for her, it was real and a terrible burden. Her inner judge was the most merciless executioner. He knew no mercy; at most, with her ear. She should focus on it for the sake of practice. How does such a body part feel, which is not ugly? What would her hand feel like if it were not ugly too? Or her knee? And how would her head feel if she had a non-ugly thought?
The aim of the exercise was to put something previously unthinkable in the realm of the possible. What seems impossible will never be realized. You have to start doubting - maybe it could not be quite the way you always thought. But let us not fool ourselves, thinking and its convictions are stubborn; one does not throw old patterns of thinking over the clock overnight, and from then on, thinks of something else, something encouraging in the first instance. Again and again, the habit draws you back into the old thinking. You have to be careful, patient and forgiving, and not immediately condemn yourself for judging someone or something. To notice it at all is already an important step.
And here, Loving Kindness could come into play as a variant, and it’s called the mindfulness practice. Loving Kindness teaches us to be forgiving, kind, patient, and affectionate with ourselves as with our fellow human beings. It brings inner peace, and as more and more people are internally peaceful, it may also reflect in the outer world.
Loving mindfulness can be learned in a meditative way. Find a quiet place where you are undisturbed. You can approach the subject from two directions: focus on something that you like about yourself and let the good feeling spread over your whole being. Or take the opposite, something you do not like, and soften that old, relentlessly rigid attitude. If there is a physical spot of the body associated with your positive or negative attribute, mark it; if you like, by placing a petal on it or dripping a scented oil or flower essence on it. Be careful in every case. If negative thoughts go through your mind, be nice to them. Tell them something like ”Thank you, but not now.“ Notice that if you use it as a reason for self-criticism, you are led up the garden path. Do not give in to the temptation. Do not jump on the carousel of negative thoughts. Be friendly, but definite. Help your mindful-thinking inner child stand up, but do not blame it for falling. If it falls again, help him again. Do this as long as you like, until you realize that inner peace and harmony with yourself arise. Enjoy the condition for a while, before you finish the exercise. And repeat it until it becomes part of your personality. And then, repeat it.
Loving Kindness is also the name of a flower essence blend that teaches us to be forgiving, kind, patient, affectionate with ourselves as well as with our fellow human beings. It brings inner peace, and as more and more people are internally peaceful, it may also have something to do with peace in the world.
Consists of four orchid essences
- Forgive - Vanda Blue Magic
Get along with yourself and others. Being able to forgive oneself and others, putting an end to quarrels, battles, blame, self-pity, and all the other debilitating emotions.
- Love - Paphiopedilum Maudiae Vinicolor
Become the master of your own heart. Learn to love.
- Care - Paphiopedilum Pinocchio
Positive attention, even if it is difficult, you feel overwhelmed and depression is waiting around the corner. Care brings back love, the unconditional, indulgent, patient love that protects and cherishes oneself, one’s loved ones and perhaps not quite so loving ones.
- Commit - Dendrochilum filiforme ‚Big‘
The energetic oxytocin. Commit helps to commit not to run away when it gets difficult. You does not let the other down, let alone oneself. You learn to stand by your intention, to pay loving attention, and can not be dissuaded from it.
The recommendation is to use this mixture meditatively. Find a quiet place where you are undisturbed. You can approach the subject you want from two directions: focus on something you like about yourself, and let the feeling spread through the essence over your whole being. Or take the opposite, something you do not like, and soften that old, relentlessly rigid attitude. If there is a spot in your body that is associated with your positive or negative quality, then calmly put a drop on top of it and let it work. Be careful in every case. If negative thoughts go through your mind, be nice to them. Tell them something like „thank you, but not now“. Notice that if you use them as a reason for self-criticism, you are going to put this ideaof loving kindness to sleep. Do not give in to the temptation. Do not jump on the carousel of negative thoughts. Be friendly, but definite. Help your inner child that learns mindful-thinking get back on track, but do not blame it. If it falls again, help him again. Do this as long as you like, until you realize that inner peace and harmony with yourself occurs. Enjoy the condition for a while before you finish the exercise.
Anyone who wants to prepare a bottle to train the state of loving kindness and make it a natural state of being in the long run, shall of course, by no means feel discouraged. Also, the use in a fragrance diffuser can promote the process of finding the lover inside.