Sadness is a Skill – Borage is the Teacher

Tears can flow for a variety of reasons. A sharp cold wind blows, you cut onions in the kitchen or you are sad. The reason for which you cry determines the composition of the tear fluid.

Tears of sadness contain hormones, the tiny messenger peptides the body uses to communicate internally, tears resulting from onion do not have them. They appear just to relieve the irritation of the eyes themselves. That is not the task of emotional tears. Those serve to relief inner tension.

For example adrenaline. Usually adrenaline helps to take action. It is a stress hormone meaning it supports coping with stress. Think of the typical fight or flight response. Is it not good to gain some extra power for your heart to pump blood and oxygen and for the muscles to make use of it so that you can defend yourself or run away from the danger.

But what if the stress appears as a reaction to the loss of a loved one? There is nothing to defend yourself against and you cannot run away from the fact that someone left. Yet, adrenaline is in your blood. And the harder the blow, the longer the adrenaline production lasts. According to the stress scale developed by the American psychologists Holmes & Rahe you get the full 100 points when you loose a child, it is the hardest imagineable stroke of fate.

Hannah Lohtrop, a German midwife, who used to work with parents who lost their child noticed that the aftershocks come around for at least one year after the tragedy. They say time heals all wounds – but not without scars. They remind you of what happened and trigger the old emotions like when you meet a couple with a new born baby in the park. The adrenaline rush sets in and here they are again, the feelings of powerlessness and of anger, of being hurt and guilty and devasted.

Getting violent or escaping the situation will only take the desaster to a higher level and destroy the relationship of the parents as well. There is only one way to cope and it hurts: you have to mourn.

There is no workaround and no shortcut, all attemps not to feel the hurt will prolong it. It is acceptance that helps you through the tough times. To heal it you must feel it. Learning to cry is a major step to handle the situation. If you avoid to shed tears and by doing so get rid of the adrenaline it will create muscle tension. If you thought you build up muscle tension in order to avoid crying you got it the wrong way, avoiding to cry creates tension. 

Imagine you go on and on producing adrenaline without using it. The tension will build up, your blood pressure may rise or your appetite may disappear or you cannot fall asleep or however you as an individual may react. It is much more healthy and natural to give in to the sadness. It is what nature has prepared you for.

People around you will understand. They got mirror neurons for that, they will feel empathy. They even will understand when you become aggressive but in that case they will become defensive or get out of your way. Instead of support you experience loneliness.

There is a flower essence that can help. It is Borage, in Europe a well-known kitchen herb, its Dutch name is cucumberherb (komkommerkruid) since it is used with cucumbers. The flower has the colour of the blue sky which stands for hope, but the flower itself looks to the ground which expresses sadness.

Borage strengthen the breath which is often depressed after a trauma. Not breathing deeply helps to avoid feeling deeply. Not feeling deeply means to prolong the pain. It also brings hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Do not give up, it is not easy but you can reach it. Mourning makes you strong even if you think it makes you appear weak. It is a skill that takes care of you in the darkest of times.

This kind of teacher is Borage, a kind and gentle on who carries you through adversities, who reminds you to breathe and that there is a light that guide you out of misery.